I was with Katy and our friend Jacob. I was drilling Jacob for dating advice--he asked me about Zach and the break in and I just totally started crying, softly, quietly, endlessly. He felt pretty bad. No one wants to see a girl cry. I tried to get it together, but it took a minute and a laugh. I don't feel bad for crying. I cheered and jumped up and down when Spain won the semi-final game against Germany, and I cried myself to sleep the night before. (This girl will never be guilty of not feeling.)
It's almost been a year since the break in. I'm still getting over things, which is embarassing because I was raised to be tough.
It still makes me angry to tears that so many people got away with things and I didn't. That guy who broke into our house hasn't been caught and probably never will be. Then there's my ex-boyfriend who I naively thought would be there, then all the people who said ridiculous and insensitive things to me (i.e. my ex-boyfriend's dad, the landlord and people at this Bible study I went to), friends who tease me for the window and door alarms in the new place, people who think I'm silly for being scared. So if I make my list, almost no one is innocent. But it was actually this unknown faceless man who caused all the problems. The worst part of it is that it's been a year and it feels like I'm in the same place I was back then. I hate that.
I suppose that's not true. I physically relocated. I've got the same old friends and some new ones. I still love bicycling but now I go rock climbing too. I still do yoga at the same Benson Yoga Studio. I've been working at Home & Away for more than three and a half years (!), plus I've been writing for the Reader for three years (dining editor for a year and a half). But I feel some change on the horizon. I still love tomatoes and make the same caprese salads:
And I still try out new ways to combine the same old mozzarella, tomatoes and basil:
My garden is better this year (so far). I've made more meat dishes, which was my goal for year 26. I've been going to West Hills Church for 10-plus years. Faith is probably still the greatest committment of my life, which is good because there are moments I'm convinced it's a load of crap. Sometimes I wonder why faith is so important to me, and I think it's because I know (and I want/need to know, if that makes sense) that at the end of everything, love wins.
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10 comments:
beautiful.
I totally agree: love wins. And good for you for being so committed to faith. I waiver, quite honestly, and it's not fun. It's hard for me to feel that faith isn't a load of crap, but I'm trying.
Those dishes look great - and give me inspiration for all these tomatoes I've got.
Thanks, as always, for the good writing and for your honesty.
Lainey, you are not silly for putting alarms in your house and nobody should ever question your feelings about the situation. You went through something that was incredibly scary that few people can even imagine. Shame on them for being jerks about it!
I love you.
I think about you and Meghan every night when I check to make sure that my windows are all locked. You are NOT. SILLY. People love to make women feel insecure. Screw them. Love you.
Hi. I second everyone's comments. Love You! and i also love me some alarms. : )
we haven't met and i mostly stalk your blog and love the food posts. but this one about your life was really wonderful...especially the part about how love wins. i love love.
I think women are rightfully a bit scared or apprehensive in ways that guys don't understand. I thank God that you and Megan weren't physically injured that night. The emotional scars are bad enough to deal with. I like locks and actually, a barking golden retriever! Love, Mom
The guys were right, this is deep. Love it.
It's great you stick to your faith, wish I could be as strong as you!
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